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7個心理學家指出會阻止小孩成功的「父母無心小舉動」,絕大多數的父母都曾經犯下這些錯!

▼1. 我們不讓孩子們經歷任何風險。

我們生活在一個總是在強調風險的社會,「安全第一」的概念漸漸潛移默化在我們心中,因為害怕失去我們的孩子,所以會竭盡所能地保護他們。保護孩子雖然是父母的職責,但做過頭的時候,我們就會禁止他們從事那些有益的冒險行為,並給孩子的發展帶來負面影響。

歐洲的心理學家發現,如果一個孩子幾乎不到外面玩,而且從來沒有過那些膝蓋擦傷等等,他們成年時會有較高機率罹患恐慌症。孩子們需要多跌倒幾次,才能學會這是一件普通的事,就像青少年可能必須經歷過分手,才能學習怎麼去維持一段更長久的感情。如果父母完全移除了他們生活中的這種風險,可能會養出一個態度高傲,卻又缺乏自信的未來領導人。

▼2. 我們太快伸出援手。

比對起30年前的同齡孩子,你是否有發現現在的孩子比較沒有發展出相似的技能?這是因為當現代孩子遇到問題時,成年人總是太快幫助他解決。當我們太快伸出援手,並沉浸在自己對孩子的「幫忙」時,就會消除了他們靠自己面對困難跟解決問題的需要。

它會使孩子們喪失領導和自主能力,如果沒有幫助,他們會變成什麼都做不到。孩子們遲早會習慣有人來拯救他們,他們會想:「如果我失敗了,一個成年人會出面來平息事情,並消除我不當行為所造成的後果。」這在現實社會中顯然是行不通的,這也會讓他們成為一個毫無能力的成年人。

▼3. 我們太容易瘋狂誇獎。

體育賽事裡的「自尊運動」可以說是在嬰兒潮這一代紮根的,當孩子參加一個小聯盟棒球比賽時,他們會看到每個人都是「贏家」,這種大家都能拿到獎杯的狀況或許一開始會令他們覺得特別,但研究指出這種作法很可能導致意想不到的後果。

不管在這種賽事上拿到了多少獎牌或讚賞,孩子們最終會觀察到,爸爸媽媽是唯一真心覺得「他真棒」的人,而其他人則完全不說這點。儘管聽得當下感受可能會不錯,但長時間下來,孩子會開始懷疑爸媽的客觀度,畢竟這些話語並沒有連接到現實。

當我們太容易隨意地誇讚,並忽略孩子的那些不良行為時,孩子們就會學到欺騙、誇大不實跟種種謊言,他們會開始逃避困難的現實,畢竟他們沒有決心去面對這一切。

▼4. 我們錯誤的時機給予獎勵。

你的孩子是不可能時時刻刻都愛你的,他們一定會從你身上得到失望,但這也代表他們不會因此被「寵壞」。我們必須告訴孩子什麼時候「不要」或是「不是現在」,讓他們為真正想要的東西或認同的價值觀付出心力爭取。

身為父母,很多人都傾向於對孩子「有求必應」,當孩子想要什麼東西時,就立刻給他當作獎勵,尤其是家中有多個孩子時,這種狀況會更常見。當有人做得不錯時,我們會覺得只獎勵那個孩子,不理其他人似乎是「不公平」的;這其實是一個不切實際的想法,因為我們錯過教導他們「成功是取決於自己的行動與信念」的時機。

小心不要把孩子教成認為好成績可以換來旅行或是禮物的人,如果你們的關係都是建立於物質的獎勵,孩子們就不會理解那種內心的信念或是無條件的愛。

▼5. 我們不願意分享過去犯下的錯誤。

健康的青少年需要展翅飛翔,靠著他們自己學習新事物,而做為成人及家長,我們也應該適時「放手」,但這並不意味著我們就無法引導他們。跟他們分享一些你在同齡時代曾犯過的錯誤,其實會幫助他們做出更好的選擇(當然得避免那些負面教材)。

在青少年階段,孩子們也開始必須經歷挫折,以及面對自身決定導致的後果;跟他們分享你在類似情況下的感受,以及告訴他你會採取什麼樣的行動,學習到什麼樣的經驗教訓吧!雖然我們不是孩子成長中的唯一影響,但我們肯定可以成為「最好的」那個影響來源。

▼6. 我們混淆了智力、天賦跟成熟的定義。

智力通常被拿來衡量一個人的「成熟程度」,所以父母通常認為聰明的孩子早就對世界做好了各種準備…事情並非如此。舉例來說,有些超群的運動員或好萊塢明星,他們明顯具有獨特的天賦,卻仍然陷入了醜聞。天賦或智能雖然是兒童時期作為衡量的一個標準,但並不代表它就適用於所有領域。

世界上並沒有一套「責任準則」可以讓孩子全心依賴,當他們獲得自由的選擇權時,觀察跟比較的對象大多是同儕。只有讓他們多多接觸不同的領域,才有可能培養出更加全面發展的獨立性。

▼7. 我們並不實踐自己所說過的話語。

身為父母,我們的責任就是成為孩子未來生活的一個典範,讓他們學會主宰自己的生活,成為可以依靠的人,並為言語跟行動負責任。作為一家之主,我們應該說出誠實的話語,善意的謊言只會慢慢侵蝕孩子的性格,讓他們無所適從。

注意你自己的每一個道德行為和選擇,因為你的孩子把這些都看在眼裡;例如如果你是做事不偷工減料的人,孩子們也會知道自己不能這麼做。讓孩子看到你在進行社區服務時,所展現的無私與快樂的定義吧!比起對孩子們說教,讓他們自己發現這些事情,絕對更能使他們遵循。

在成為父母時,為了撫養小孩,大家總是會有一些盲點。當你因為保護欲或種種原因限制他的行動時,不妨暫緩一下,考慮這樣做對他的前途是否有益?有了越完善的家庭教育,我們的社會肯定也會變得更美好的!

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